calling out the ranch

what’s up with the ranch!?!? the c’s are freaking sick and should be dominating the ranch!  time to get over the p-men’s loss!  i know the irateness doesn’t fade, but turn it into decent irateness.  for example, just the other night some fuck head giant fan came into a pizza place and started yelling “GIANTs, GIANTS, GIANTS.”  i didn’t think that would bother me, but it did.  i found myself yelling back at him “HAVE FUN JERKING OFF TONIGHT BUDDY!” we’re all still irate, but god damn.  the c’s!  the sox were revolting, but nothing from the ranch!  c’mon ranch!

Sleep on this

Michael Strahan really knows how to prepare for a big game.  He says on the Saturday before Super Bowl 42, “if we go to bed like we’ve been going to bed, if we just go to bed like we’ve been doin, we’ll play good.” New England has been reeling from these comments.  Apparantly Robert Kraft and Bill Bellechek have been trying to figure out how they are going to go to bed. Kraft did mention, “money never sleeps. And since we’re not bitches like the giants, we don’t say stupid shit like Strahan does.”

Every Kiss Begins with Kraft

Kay, Jared, and Hanoush are all excellent jewelers.  Every year that New England wins a Championship, Robert Kraft charges each of these three jewelers to a contest.  The winner takes home the business.

There are three phases to the contest.  Shotgunning beers is the first phase and the first jeweler to crush 14 bud heavies wins. Then the jewelers have to play with a midget’s balls. The first jeweler to make a perfect erection wins.  Last the jewelers take diamonds and cut drawings into glass with their diamonds. Typically Kraft makes the jewlers draw something cool – past pictures have included a Continental soldier and a bayonette as well as a Porpoise.

Hanoush has won the contest once and Jared won twice.  Stay tuned to see what Jeweler won the rights to adorn this years perfect New England Patriots with their rings.

A Pep Talk from Mel

Fight and you may die.  Leave and you may live…for a while.  And many years from now, while lying in your death beds, would you trade this moment for one chance to tell our enemies, you can take our wives.  You can plow them while I watch.  I can play with myself a little bit.  And you can defile them repeatedly, but you can never take our freedom.

Respectable SB Picks

    

 What do Barry Williams, Omar Epps, Karch Kiraly, Adam West, Bob Weir, Jack Nicklaus, Carl Weathers, and Elisabeth Shue have in common?

They’re all picking the Pats in the Super Bowl, THAT’S WHAT!

I think Carl Weathers said it best: “It’s impossible not to go with New England. Congratulations to New York, but they won’t win this Super Bowl.”

Just to recap — when The Golden Bear, Bob Weir, Ali with an I, Willie Mays Hayes, Batman, Greg Brady, Apollo Creed, and Mr. Volleyball all pick the Pats to win, I think it’s safe to say the Pats will win.

Among those who are picking the Giants: Bill O’Reilly, Dolph Lundgren, Pat Robertson, Mark Cuban and Serena Williams. ‘Nuff said…

 *Source: Scripps Howard News Service

Mankins Will Bash You in the Nuts

 It may be wise for Giants players to strap on the old jockstrap and cup this weekend because when Logan Mankins isn’t laying pancake blocks on inferior players, he’s bashing your nuts in. Best of all, he has no remorse for his actions. Indeed, it may draw a penalty, much to the chagrin of Guru Belichick — but it’ll probably make opposing players think twice about provoking the beast that is Mankins…

Preparation Continues…

Tuesday 1/29, 5 days from the championship, 6pm – chowders, steamers and bud light at Union Oyster. From there you ask? Right into the biggest peckahead sport in the world…HOCKEY. The hub of it, if fact. The ice was fast, cold and filled with glory. The B’s looked tough. Thomas, our all-star netminder, played, at times it seemed, alone on the ice. Our defenseman were powerful, yet inaccurate with their numerous thwarts. We were playing short-handed with a full 6 men on the ice.Miracles can and do happen on ice in the city of champions.

The Predators were fierce, but the no-name attack of these Boston Bruins was too much for the weak southern opponent. After Ference, the Boston defenseman, laid out a lowly Predator, he then, in a matter of seconds, pounced on another Predator, took him to the ground and pummeled him with overhand smashes to the face. The Garden was at ‘Wicked Loud’ on the crowd meter and K-muff was dancing amongst fellow p-heads. Glory.

The game winner should have been a top 5 sportscenter highlight. Glen Metropolit lit up the preds douchebag goalie with a pull-back wrister. The Hub cruised from there to solidify themselves contenders in the National Hockey League. 3-1

HOCKEY, HOCKEY, HOCKEY!

Breakfast of Champions

As all P-Men fans know, a key element to our success is preparation. During Super Bowl week, this is not limited to the team, it encompasses the peckahead fan-base as well.

Throughout New England, more specifically, in the North End neighborhood of RBI city, the preparations are well underway starting with late night viewing of the 1984 All Valley Karate Tournament won by newcomer Daniel Larusso of Miyagi Dojo. The tournament ends with a jilted Johnny Lawrence looking like Bill Cowher after he won the 1995 AFC championship against Jim Harbaugh’s Colts. Johnny douchebag proudly presenting his championship trophy to the guy who, in typical Pats-style, took his title and his semi-attractive girlfriend (who could clearly take Daniel-son in an ESPN Saturday morning strong-man competition).

Preparation continued this morning with breakfast of champions. Mini bacon cheeseburgers, eggs, grilled onions and baked beans. We also crushed some berries for them anti-oxidizing decencies. You want to prepare like a champion, you have to eat like one. I’m pretty sure that’s what our boy Mankins eats every day. Here are some photos at 7am est:

Finally, the NY Times had a revealing article on Eli Manning today and his relationship with his mother.   Apparently, Eli had trouble reading Dr Suess:

“His mother, he said, was influential in helping him improve his reading so he would not have to repeat first grade”

Tom Brady not only taught his first grade teacher how to read, he cranked her out on the monkey bars after hot morning lessons in spelling.  Poor Eli is going to have the Manning Face on by the time he’s introduced.

So, everyone stay focused this week and work on your preparation as Sunday is going to be a great day.  And if you don’t know how to prepare, stay tuned to the ranch all week.

For you West coast dirtbags, man up!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEsHUel04dY

The facts of life

“See, there’s three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn’t fuck the assholes, you know what you’d get? You’d get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!”

- Team America