calling out the ranch

March 20, 2008

what’s up with the ranch!?!? the c’s are freaking sick and should be dominating the ranch!  time to get over the p-men’s loss!  i know the irateness doesn’t fade, but turn it into decent irateness.  for example, just the other night some fuck head giant fan came into a pizza place and started yelling “GIANTs, GIANTS, GIANTS.”  i didn’t think that would bother me, but it did.  i found myself yelling back at him “HAVE FUN JERKING OFF TONIGHT BUDDY!” we’re all still irate, but god damn.  the c’s!  the sox were revolting, but nothing from the ranch!  c’mon ranch!


Fans of New England

February 5, 2008

I write this with caution, as I know even thinking about what happened yesterday makes all of us uneasy.  It sucks to watch sports, read sports, it sucks to live life the way we normally do.  But, as fans of New England, we need to examine what happened and why it happened, so we can avoid such catastrophes in the future because we all know that that wasn’t the last Super Bowl Belichick and the Pats are going to.  I think it starts with examining our preparation.  How many days did everyone wake up and eat bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast?  How many Celtics games did you watch while doing a pushup for every point the Cs scored?  How many championship DVDs did you watch during the week?  How many Bruins games did you watch?  I feel like we did all we could.  It’s when I look at how the City of Boston and the Pats got ready for the game that I start to uncover some clues as to why we may have lost this championship.

It was reported during the week that the usual flawless Mayor Tom Menino announced plans for the parade and the parade route.  Hasn’t anyone learned from this dooming startegy?  When has this ever worked in someone’s favor?  Mayor Menino deserves a letter from Championship Ranch regarding his incompetence.  Haven’t we had enough parades here recently that not too much of a plan needs to be made ahead of time?  What is the benefit from announcing this early?

I just got the feeling watching this game that the Pats weren’t as hungry as the Giants.  It reminded me alot of Rocky III, when a rich, famous and complacent champion Rocky fights the hungry contender Clubber Lang (the great Mr. T) and gets pummeled.  The parallels to this bout to the Super Bowl are frightening.  Rocky trains for the fight in a fancy hotel ballroom that is open to fans, apparently trying to enjoy the moment never fearing that his title was in jeopardy.  Meanwhile, Mr. T is working out in a dank basement by himself, preparing for this fight like it was the last chance he’d get.  In the week leading up to the Super Bowl, the Boston Globe reported that Brady’s stylist was making the trip to Arizona so Tom could get a haircut earlier in the week and then another before the game.  The only way I could understand this is if Brady’s haircut was halfway as classy as Stallone’s, and he’s not even close.

stallone1.jpg I think Brady and the Pats got a little complacent and the thought of losing this game never entered their minds.  If we’re lucky, the Pats will take some time to lick their wounds, and then get a visit from Apollo Creed, to take them back to the Los Angeles ghettos and find that hunger, that Eye of the Tiger.

Sleep on this

February 3, 2008

Michael Strahan really knows how to prepare for a big game.  He says on the Saturday before Super Bowl 42, “if we go to bed like we’ve been going to bed, if we just go to bed like we’ve been doin, we’ll play good.” New England has been reeling from these comments.  Apparantly Robert Kraft and Bill Bellechek have been trying to figure out how they are going to go to bed. Kraft did mention, “money never sleeps. And since we’re not bitches like the giants, we don’t say stupid shit like Strahan does.”

Every Kiss Begins with Kraft

February 3, 2008

Kay, Jared, and Hanoush are all excellent jewelers.  Every year that New England wins a Championship, Robert Kraft charges each of these three jewelers to a contest.  The winner takes home the business.

There are three phases to the contest.  Shotgunning beers is the first phase and the first jeweler to crush 14 bud heavies wins. Then the jewelers have to play with a midget’s balls. The first jeweler to make a perfect erection wins.  Last the jewelers take diamonds and cut drawings into glass with their diamonds. Typically Kraft makes the jewlers draw something cool – past pictures have included a Continental soldier and a bayonette as well as a Porpoise.

Hanoush has won the contest once and Jared won twice.  Stay tuned to see what Jeweler won the rights to adorn this years perfect New England Patriots with their rings.

A Pep Talk from Mel

February 3, 2008

Fight and you may die.  Leave and you may live…for a while.  And many years from now, while lying in your death beds, would you trade this moment for one chance to tell our enemies, you can take our wives.  You can plow them while I watch.  I can play with myself a little bit.  And you can defile them repeatedly, but you can never take our freedom.

Respectable SB Picks

February 1, 2008

greg-brady.jpg omar-epps.jpg karch-kiraly.jpg  elisabeth-shue.jpgadam-west.jpgcarl-weathers.jpgjack-nicklaus.jpgbob-weir.jpg

 What do Barry Williams, Omar Epps, Karch Kiraly, Adam West, Bob Weir, Jack Nicklaus, Carl Weathers, and Elisabeth Shue have in common?

They’re all picking the Pats in the Super Bowl, THAT’S WHAT!

I think Carl Weathers said it best: “It’s impossible not to go with New England. Congratulations to New York, but they won’t win this Super Bowl.”

Just to recap — when The Golden Bear, Bob Weir, Ali with an I, Willie Mays Hayes, Batman, Greg Brady, Apollo Creed, and Mr. Volleyball all pick the Pats to win, I think it’s safe to say the Pats will win.

Among those who are picking the Giants: Bill O’Reilly, Dolph Lundgren, Pat Robertson, Mark Cuban and Serena Williams. ‘Nuff said…

 *Source: Scripps Howard News Service

Mankins Will Bash You in the Nuts

January 30, 2008

jockstrap.gif It may be wise for Giants players to strap on the old jockstrap and cup this weekend because when Logan Mankins isn’t laying pancake blocks on inferior players, he’s bashing your nuts in. Best of all, he has no remorse for his actions. Indeed, it may draw a penalty, much to the chagrin of Guru Belichick — but it’ll probably make opposing players think twice about provoking the beast that is Mankins…