My Sorrows are buried…

May 8, 2008
Hey dudes.
So the Ranch has been a bit stale due to the unfortunate happenings on 2/3/08. I started reading about sports 2 days ago. This has been the biggest lull of my life. Now, this doesn’t mean I haven’t continued to dominate watching sports on the television or any live action I can get to. It was the reading, the analysis that shook me; everytime I was sent an article from SI or espn, I almost cringed in disgust. Whats the sports guy writing about, how does he trudge on? Well, after several Helmet and Tubesteak thwarts….I hearby announce the Ranch open again!
Whats more decent than C’s playoff basketball in Downtown Boston? Me, on the toilet, pre or post bj, watching Bledsoe throw that tearjerking loft pass to David Patten in the back corner of the end zone en route to another Pats AFC championship.?—-but we’ll leave that for another posting.
Decents. C’s. For that matter – B’s. Great run for the B’s. Inspiring hockey. HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! That’s a chant for decents only. Anyone that doesn’t eat ice cream at a contest. Even Methia.
On to the currents. C’s. I think Rondo could wrap those arms around a fine lady several times. Sam I am was looking tough, even from 3 range in game 1. Lebron and Delonte should challenge Denver to a standoff. I am not the one – who can tell you – who will win. Just think of what happened when Joe Johnson challenged Denvah to a standoff last Sunday – The gritty hawk stood no chance. No Chaance:



You guys are cooo.
F them Cavs. So I was talking over some Celts strategies with a buddy from work and he came up with a great theory. Sit Pierce to start the game. Posey gets on the King. Then Doc lays the Truth down with a giant spark of the bench. Manu style. No?
On to more decency, as some of you know, Joh and I have been crushing pushups during C’s games this year. 1 pushup for every point the Green score. We are jacked, fists pumping. I suggest all of the community and ranch members, continue our trend and work your bi’s, tri’s, and man chests. Doing less than 100 pushups is unacceptable.
Go C’s and go Championship Ranch.








calling out the ranch

March 20, 2008

what’s up with the ranch!?!? the c’s are freaking sick and should be dominating the ranch!  time to get over the p-men’s loss!  i know the irateness doesn’t fade, but turn it into decent irateness.  for example, just the other night some fuck head giant fan came into a pizza place and started yelling “GIANTs, GIANTS, GIANTS.”  i didn’t think that would bother me, but it did.  i found myself yelling back at him “HAVE FUN JERKING OFF TONIGHT BUDDY!” we’re all still irate, but god damn.  the c’s!  the sox were revolting, but nothing from the ranch!  c’mon ranch!

One Week to Spring Training

February 8, 2008

I am not going to downplay the utter disapointment about what happened last weekend.  However, as is the case with any major travesty, I am trying to get through the various phases of the grief: shock and disbelief, anger, dispair.  Now, I am ready for the final stage: reoganization. 

Gentlemen, we are one week away from spring training.  Its time to buck up, baseball is almost here, and this guy pitches for us.


Fans of New England

February 5, 2008

I write this with caution, as I know even thinking about what happened yesterday makes all of us uneasy.  It sucks to watch sports, read sports, it sucks to live life the way we normally do.  But, as fans of New England, we need to examine what happened and why it happened, so we can avoid such catastrophes in the future because we all know that that wasn’t the last Super Bowl Belichick and the Pats are going to.  I think it starts with examining our preparation.  How many days did everyone wake up and eat bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast?  How many Celtics games did you watch while doing a pushup for every point the Cs scored?  How many championship DVDs did you watch during the week?  How many Bruins games did you watch?  I feel like we did all we could.  It’s when I look at how the City of Boston and the Pats got ready for the game that I start to uncover some clues as to why we may have lost this championship.

It was reported during the week that the usual flawless Mayor Tom Menino announced plans for the parade and the parade route.  Hasn’t anyone learned from this dooming startegy?  When has this ever worked in someone’s favor?  Mayor Menino deserves a letter from Championship Ranch regarding his incompetence.  Haven’t we had enough parades here recently that not too much of a plan needs to be made ahead of time?  What is the benefit from announcing this early?

I just got the feeling watching this game that the Pats weren’t as hungry as the Giants.  It reminded me alot of Rocky III, when a rich, famous and complacent champion Rocky fights the hungry contender Clubber Lang (the great Mr. T) and gets pummeled.  The parallels to this bout to the Super Bowl are frightening.  Rocky trains for the fight in a fancy hotel ballroom that is open to fans, apparently trying to enjoy the moment never fearing that his title was in jeopardy.  Meanwhile, Mr. T is working out in a dank basement by himself, preparing for this fight like it was the last chance he’d get.  In the week leading up to the Super Bowl, the Boston Globe reported that Brady’s stylist was making the trip to Arizona so Tom could get a haircut earlier in the week and then another before the game.  The only way I could understand this is if Brady’s haircut was halfway as classy as Stallone’s, and he’s not even close.

stallone1.jpg I think Brady and the Pats got a little complacent and the thought of losing this game never entered their minds.  If we’re lucky, the Pats will take some time to lick their wounds, and then get a visit from Apollo Creed, to take them back to the Los Angeles ghettos and find that hunger, that Eye of the Tiger.

Sleep on this

February 3, 2008

Michael Strahan really knows how to prepare for a big game.  He says on the Saturday before Super Bowl 42, “if we go to bed like we’ve been going to bed, if we just go to bed like we’ve been doin, we’ll play good.” New England has been reeling from these comments.  Apparantly Robert Kraft and Bill Bellechek have been trying to figure out how they are going to go to bed. Kraft did mention, “money never sleeps. And since we’re not bitches like the giants, we don’t say stupid shit like Strahan does.”

Every Kiss Begins with Kraft

February 3, 2008

Kay, Jared, and Hanoush are all excellent jewelers.  Every year that New England wins a Championship, Robert Kraft charges each of these three jewelers to a contest.  The winner takes home the business.

There are three phases to the contest.  Shotgunning beers is the first phase and the first jeweler to crush 14 bud heavies wins. Then the jewelers have to play with a midget’s balls. The first jeweler to make a perfect erection wins.  Last the jewelers take diamonds and cut drawings into glass with their diamonds. Typically Kraft makes the jewlers draw something cool – past pictures have included a Continental soldier and a bayonette as well as a Porpoise.

Hanoush has won the contest once and Jared won twice.  Stay tuned to see what Jeweler won the rights to adorn this years perfect New England Patriots with their rings.

A Pep Talk from Mel

February 3, 2008

Fight and you may die.  Leave and you may live…for a while.  And many years from now, while lying in your death beds, would you trade this moment for one chance to tell our enemies, you can take our wives.  You can plow them while I watch.  I can play with myself a little bit.  And you can defile them repeatedly, but you can never take our freedom.